Movin' On Up.....

........Is what I am trying to do, although reminders keep bringing me down to where I was after we last met. "We will see if tonight is an evening of open discussion or if it is an evening of quiet reflection" was my intention but instead my insecurities flowed through. Confusion abounding of what are the boundaries; what crosses them and when do they apply. First the boy and now the Facebook - triggers that bring back the discomfort and confusion....Some day I will make peace

Acceptance was the Answer:
......And acceptance was the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.

What I struggle with in the first paragraph is exactly when; how; why......

Hence my current conclusion to Step Two for now............Certainly not the completion thereof

Discombobulated by Omission

Discombobulate: Verb - having self-possession upset; thrown into confusion:

My entry yesterday illustrates how my emotional equilibrium gets thrown off when my wife goes on her float trip. Spoke to both my sponsors about my conflicting feelings, one yesterday afternoon and one this morning.

I am finding that having conflicting feelings about a single event is more commonplace for me than the exception I thought (or hoped) it would be. I also find that repressing those feelings is a coping mechanism I have developed so that I can please those I care about.

My quest to be a "supportive, understanding" husband lends itself to mixed emotions and confusion regarding what I 'should or should not' feel. Ironic, for years I medicated my feelings of with alcohol and drugs, yet my inner voice of insecurity finds other ways to express itself.

Omission: Noun - The action of excluding or leaving out someone or something:

In the case of the float trip, I feel guilty (unsupportive, ashamed, etc.). I truly do have supportive feelings about this event (that I express to my wife) yet I have difficult and bothersome feelings about it (that I have not shared with my wife). This lack of 'transparency' leads to the days of discombobulation in our relationship immediately preceding and following the event. This lack of transparency results in a very uncomfortable day today for both of us, as we both struggle to know what to say to one another, fearing that whatever is said will be misinterpreted by the other (or at least this is my fear).

One word seems to be in the center of all of my inner conflict: Why?

We will see if tonight is an evening of open discussion or if it is an evening of quiet reflection.

Discomfort

I hear in my treatment sessions that one of the goals of recovery is to live with discomfort without reverting to our addictions. It has dawned on me that the 'discomfort' that I felt in witnessing my parents' dysfunctional relationship with one another has been the trigger for my last two relapses.

A similar feeling of discomfort is one I have noticed creeping about into today. It is my wife's annual "Float down the river with her girlfriends day". The river is a well-known party river, where the booze and the debauchery flow.

Last year's event was the most stressful event to our marriage to date (yet much of the detail I had forgotten until my wife and I discussed it last night). To Summarize, she left for the river from work at around 11:00am. I had asked her to call me when she was done with her float, which I figured would be around 3:00. Once 4:00 passed I began to get a little concerned and texted her cell, which was followed by more frequent calls and texts. Finally, got ahold of her best friend at around 7:30pm. My wife had drank too much too fast and was extremely drunk, having thrown up throughout part of the float. She was lying down and could not come to the phone. I picked her up about 9:00pm. We ended up getting in a fight that night and into the next morning, where we discussed other events of the float, such as the New Orleans traditions to collect beads while floating.

As I said, I had forgotten the argument part until yesterday. The only part of last years discussion that I had remembered before yesterday was the more compassionate discussion of the next morning. My wife spoke about the shame she felt for removing her top to get beads and flirting with some of the bead providers. I assured her she should not be ashamed, that this was all clean fun with the gals and that I was not upset with her. I simply told her that if she wanted to bare her assets for beads that she should feel as comfortable doing that sober and with her head high, rather than drunk and ashamed. She is a beautiful woman and should not feel ashamed if she wants to let loose a bit.

As we spoke last night, I started to remember and feel the negatives that I had experienced last year - extreme worry when I could not reach her for hours and then being pissed once I did get ahold of someone. What really hit me last night is that I had 'repressed' the parts of the experience that I did not want to remember and could only recall those experiences where I was more 'proud' of myself for how I supported my wife, not the ones where I was unsupportive, angry and even petty in my responses.

That all leads me to today, 45 minutes before my wife leaves with the same gals for the same trip. They are leaving an hour earlier, and are thinking they may be able to make three trips today. I drove my wife to work and will be picking her up after my treatment session, which ends around 8:00pm. I carried her bad to the car - in it were 4 water bottles half filled with orange juice and a bottle of Malibu Rum that must have been in the freezer. My wife has spent all week telling me how this year she is going to monitor her consumption and her girlfriends will as well, as they do not want to have to hold her head while she throws up again. Considering the stated goal of the birthday girl is to get as drunk as possible and the second gal is always up for a good drunk, I am worried. My faith is being tested today.

I am not sure how I should feel - I know I am an overprotective person. I want her to have a great time - nice buzz and laughter, a bit of flirting and bead naughtiness and an overall hell of a time. I pray that she does not get over-inebriated, over-exposed and into situations that are dangerous since I am not there to protect her. Sound like the same concerns I have for our oldest son as he plans his first concert outing since turning 18.

Like I said, my faith is being tested. Journaling this helps me to get that faith back. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. All I control is how I respond to the day.

May I respond with Dignity, Grace, Acceptance and Love

A Different Approach

In reading "A Vision of Recovery" I am struck more by concepts that jump out of at me rather than any particular sentences.

• Broken Promises: On Page 496, the Indian discusses his promise to take his son to the movies, only to go back on his word after starting to drink. 'I meant it from the bottom of my heart' - That I could comprehend. In my drinking career, many a time the pursuit of alcohol led me down a path of dishonesty. But early on I was proud of the fact that I was not a "liar" - liars were people who deliberately set out to hurt someone; premeditated as it were. That was not me - I would never have done or said the things I did if I was not drunk. Nothing like taking no responsibility for my actions. Recovery teaches me that being an 'honest man' is a full time job. There is no 'except when I'..............

• Hope: The spiritual principle for Step Two is Hope. On Page 498, the Indian makes the statement "I had the nerve to question Step Two and wonder why I had been restored to sanity". He was in the hospital, clinging to life and yet he drank the booze his friends brought him. Any "normal" person would think that to be insane indeed. But as an alcoholic, that choice makes perverse sense to me. I am not proud of that fact. From DWI's to jumping out a 2nd story window to smashing my head through a windshield, these events were ones where most would see proof that not drinking was an appropriate response - which I certainly do as well when enveloped in recovery. Conversely, when in the active denial of drinking these same events are coincidence or simply bad luck. That is indeed insane!!

Have a wonderful holiday - I am off to the gym and then to treatment. Life is indeed wonderful

Faith.....

...was our meeting topic today. Faith reminds me of the 3rd step; that it is imperative for me to turn my will over.................Every morning................on my knees

Now to our regular scheduled program:

THE PERPETUAL QUEST

• "I bought the book Alcoholics Anonymous, listened intently, and then for the first time went for coffee with those people and listened some more."
• "The next morning I knew I did not have to drink. That night I went to a meeting where they discussed Step 2......and I even talked about God"
• "I did everything that was that was suggested to me............I tried to keep an open mind no matter what anyone said or how stupid I thought it was"

All three of these statements ring true to me. They also represent areas I am focusing on for improvement within myself: Listening, Hope and Taking Direction. For me, all three of these behaviors require that I have faith...... Faith both in my higher power and with my sponsor........and the faith in myself that I can!!!

Been too long......

....since I last blogged.

The last week has been productive, both from a standpoint of sobriety but in leading a life that is recovery focused. Starting my sixth week of outpatient treatment. I have truly enjoyed my experience so far and look forward to attending each session. My personal relationships with family have been stronger and more transparent. This leads me to a much better frame of mind.

Attending the 4th Step workshop on Sundays has been great. I am meeting new people but also working on expanding my mental horizons. Having completed two prior 4th steps, I feel a sense of comfort in the process as well as the topics. My one concern is in my preliminary resentment list. It feels somewhat general and light in substance. Not sure this is true but will continue to examine the list as I move to my fears list.

Now for my 2nd step assignment:

Read Pg 59 - How it Works
I must admit, this is an interesting choice, as we read this at every meeting I attend. For purposes of Step Two, I believe that the last three sentences sum up my task at hand:

• That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives
• That probably no human power could have relieved my alcoholism
• Than God could and would if he were sought

Read Pg 335 - Crossing the River of Denial
"Denial is the most cunning and powerful part of my disease.."

• Denial if the truth and minimizing of facts are certainly toward the top of my significant character defects. Defined as a defense mechanism, denial can distort reality and make me believe thoughts that are absolutely untrue (like I can control my drinking). Combatting denial is a primary reason for my need of a sponsor. He can cut through my crap and state exactly what I need to hear rather than what I may want to hear.
  

"......But this time I asked with all of my heart for God to help me, and a strange thing happened."

• That strange thing was that God helped me. Not really all that strange, given the experiences of others, as well as for myself prior. But once again, this promise came to me once I submitted. On April 30th, I was able to do exactly what I was unable to just 24 hours prior let alone the previous 3 months. Moral of the story - not only do I not need to be in recovery alone, but in fact I cannot truly be in recovery in isolation.
  

"I understood that it was not the worlds job to understand my disease, rather it was my job to work my program and not drink, no matter what."

• Although perhaps not Step Two specific, I just resonated with this statement in the story. It is a reminder of why my active participation and engagement in AA is so crucial for me. My fellowship with others in recovery allows me to feel less 'abnormal' in a world that does not tilt toward the principles of recovery. Those who understand do so without saying a word; those that do not understand will not after 1,000 words.
  

From my daily reading:

Life is an ongoing experience with two opposing forces. One force is constantly building up, and the other is constantly tearing down. We have successes and accomplishments, and we have failures and defeats. We finally get our house in order, and it immediately begins to become disordered again.

There are forces supporting our self-esteem and forces tearing us down. Friends who wish us well, good will and generosity among people, and the momentum of our healthy actions are constructive forces in our lives. Destructive forces are the pull of old habits, bad luck, accidents, and negative thoughts. We must choose on which side we will put our energies. Are we men who hate ourselves, believe in bad luck and despair, and thereby join the forces that would tear us down? Or will we choose to be on the side that builds us up?

Today, by the grace of God, I will join the forces that are on my side. I will stand up for myself and my worth.

I loved this reading and will remember it today as I allow the positive forces of recovery to continue to lead me back to sanity.

Step 2 .......

.........Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

There is plenty of insanity to go around again today......such is the daily life of a blended family with 3 teenagers. As such, we shall move on to my next assignment for Step 2:

• Read Pg 59 - How it Works
• Read Pg 335 - Crossing the River of Denial
• Read Pgs 394-395 - The Perpetual Quest
• Read Pg 498 - A Vision of Recovery
• Read pg 417 Daily - Acceptance was the Answer (Still???) :-)
• Continue Meetings and Blogging

Sounds like a great plan!!

A Vision of Recovery

The first sentence of this story begins with "I thought I was different because I'm an ........"

This declaration of uniqueness is one that I have made multiple times in justifying drinking to myself. Whether it was the stress of my job, the loneliness of prior relationships or the challenges of three teenagers I somehow was convinced that these were different from the millions of other people in the world who experience the same every day.

While it may not be a character defect per se, it is another area I need to be reminded of on a regular basis - I am an average, ordinary run of the mill drunk. No better and no worse than the alcoholic who still suffers. I visited one such suffering alcoholic yesterday. It saddened me to see him and I wonder if I could have done more, but ultimately he needs to decide he is worth it. I cannot convince him of that.

My thoughts on the last assigned reading for Step One are below:

"I was honest with God and really wanted God's help. From that day on I knew that I had found a higher power and that He would help me"

• For me, this statement personifies surrender. When I finally surrendered to my disease, that it was in fact more powerful than I and made my life unmanageable. When I finally surrendered to that power that is greater than I am, the one that I am told will return me to sanity if I simply let go and allow it to.
  

"I now understand that the spiritual malady should be my main concern and that the more faith I have, the fewer problems I will have."

• For me, this statement personifies surrender. When I finally surrendered to my disease, that it was in fact more powerful than I and made my life unmanageable. When I finally surrendered to that power that is greater than I am, the one that I am told will return me to sanity if I simply let go and allow it to.

"I just know that more happiness is to come into my life as I 'trudge the road of happy destiny'"

• A day at a time, making the next right decision, first things first, go to meetings and don't drink, get a sponsor and work the steps. These make up the path of a destiny that is in fact happy, joyous and free.
  

Listening to the Wind

Been a very stressful week, as an employee, a step-father and a husband. As stressful as any week I can recall, and much more so than the events that me to relapse. The difference in my response is my focus on recovery and connection to my higher power.

I would hope so, given that I am at some form of recovery meeting every day right now, but this last week that was exactly what I needed to get through. I survived with dignity, grace and with putting my sobriety first.

Now to my assigned readings:

"The First Step showed me I was powerless over alcohol and anything else that theratened my sobriety or muddled my thinking "

• As my paragraphs above highlight, I am powerless not only over just alcohol but powerless over people, places and things. All of these can muddle my thinking, but God can walk me through the mud if I simply 'do the next right thing'

"Alcohol was only a symptom of much deeper problems of dishonesty and denial"

• This is a concept that I have embraced for quite some time. Honesty is my #1 character defect; issue that gets me in trouble and ultimately leads me to a drink that I do not truly want'

"I was allowing others to control my sense of well being and behavior"

• This is where my resentments lead me, if I hang onto them. Others cannot be a negative influence on my unless I let them.

Good Night....

Read Page 417...Read Page 417...Read Page 417...

........I hear that in my sleep and in my dreams

So - Do you think a certain sentence from Page 417 will show up when I read "Acceptance was the Answer"

Let's Find Out:

"If you had my problems (my wife), you would drink too"

• In my first marriage, this was a common theme to my drinking. This was something that at some lower level I even believed after my divorce. I truly believed that with Nicha I would never drink again. That is probably still the single most demoralizing aspect of my relapse. Given that, it just reinforces that I am and will always be an alcoholic on the inside, no matter what blessings I have surrounding me. My daily reprieve is based on my spiritual condition as well as my acceptance of the world around me.

"There's only one persons' guts I hate more that yours and those are my own"

• For so many years I hated myself. The more I drank, the more I cheated, the more I lied, the more I hated myself. This simply led to more of those destructive actions. I started to dislike myself again with the latest relapse. Not to the same extent as before, but poor decisions lead to poor self-worth.
  

"I had to give up all mood and mind-affecting chemicals in order to stay sober"

• When I was in the ER for my abdomen, they gave me morphine and then a prescription for Vicodin. All this and they do not know what is wrong with me. My wife has the prescription - I am not sure how I feel about not taking it if the pain gets as bad as it was on Wednesday.
  

"If I could just control the external environment, the internal environment would then become comfortable"

• When I was in the ER for my abdomen, they gave me morphine and then a prescription for Vicodin. All this and they do not know what is wrong with me. My wife has the prescription - I am not sure how I feel about not taking it if the pain gets as bad as it was on Wednesday.

"At last, acceptance proved to be the key to my drinking problem"

• Acceptance is something for me to work on every day. That must be why my sponsor has me reading Page 417 every day. :-P
  

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today"

• To Reiterate: That must be why my sponsor has me reading Page 417 every day.

"Perhaps the best thing of all is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations"

• I so needed to hear this again - especially when it comes to Brady. I struggle so much in how much lower I should drop my expectations. If I am a father to him, don't I need to expect even the slightest of effort? This will be my daily effort to practice acceptance.

Blended not Stirred....

Not exactly James Bond, but sometimes I feel like I am battling an enemy in plain sight. This one would be my step-son, who this morning was irritated because he did not get to go to Kwik Trip for breakfast. He did not want to eat his bagel, so he put his bagel and plate on the top of the refrigerator. Why???? - "Because the dogs will eat it if I leave it on the counter".

So I say "Are you planning on eating it later?", to which the answer is "No". No my wife is unhappy with me as I did not communicate to him in a positive fashion. This is true - WTF is so difficult in throwing something away rather than just setting it anywhere you damn well feel like because you cannot be bothered with cleaning up after yourself.

So now again somehow his absolute selfishness and laziness is somehow my fault.

Ugh

A Drunk Like You .......

No...A Drunk Like You!!!! - Page 401-403"

"Now I was more powerful that than alcohol because for the first time in a long time I could choose not to use".

• What struck me was the use of "I was more powerful". Having suffered from this over-confidence myself last year, it is not surprising that this gentleman drank again, as I did. It is imperative to remember that alcohol is more powerful than I am in and of itself. It is only with the strength from my higher power and the program of AA that I in fact can stay sober.
  

"Now somehow between the time I lost my job and my flight to the convention, I decided maybe I was not an alcoholic and decided to test that theory".

• I love the justification of stating that he is a researcher after all. More prevalent for me is the travel. I have always found business trips as either 'feast or famine'. Either attending new meetings with strong sobriety or preoccupation with alcohol as soon as I land. I have the ability to stay sober while out of town, as long as I take precautions and set up accountability.
  

It Might Have Been Worse .....

Second Assignment - Pages 352 to 355 focus on the first step of powerlessness and unmanageability. The guiding principle for the first step is Honesty (I believe). My honest thoughts regarding these sentences of substance"

"There comes a time when you don't want to live and are afraid to die"

• This was how I felt (somewhat) on Friday, April 29th. Not so much that I did not want to live, but I truly understood for the first time why someone would feel that way. That allowed me to fully surrender (again) and stop the insanity that I could stop on my own.
  

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our life had become unmanageable. This didn't say we had to be in jail ten, fifty or a hundred times."

• This reminds me of my rationalization during my orientation for treatment on Wednesday. As noted, I started to think and that thinking led me to the brilliant conclusion that I really did not need to be there, since 'everyone else was court ordered'. Funny, on Friday I found out that this was not accurate in the slightest.
  

"Most certainly I was powerless over alcohol and for me, my life had become unmanageable. It wasn't how for I had gone but where I was headed."

• I remember many years ago someone talking to me about 'hitting our bottom'. "There is no rule that one must lose their family, their job or their freedom before they reach their lowest point. On the other hand, they will most certainly experience all of those scenario's if that is what it takes for them to make a change". As my sponsor so wisely reminded me, those court-ordered simply were caught. So do I need to wait to get caught?
  

"I was told that I must want sobriety for my own sake, and I am convinced that is true."

• This is certainly not a new concept to me. This is just a good reminder for me that sobriety is always and must always be my highest priority. I can have none of my other priorities if I do not have sobriety.

Today is a great day.

Gratitude in Action

In reading pages 193 to 195, there are three passages that spoke to me in that deep, loud "Dumb-ass this is you" voice.

"I could go back to where I was if I forget the wonderful things that have been given to me...............or forget that God is the one that keeps me on the path"

• This is exactly what happened. I went back to my addiction one time. which led me to hide that one time, which in turn allowed me to drink another time, which led to another omission and so on.....
  

"......Alcohol turned out to be much more powerful than I ever was"

• For three months I told myself "this is the last time, I will begin recovery anew tomorrow morning". That last time was never the last time until the secret was fully exposed and I finally and fully surrendered - alcohol is stronger than I am alone, which is why I need the presence of God and support of other alcoholics.

".....why do you drink so much, you have a wonderful wife, a bright little boy. You have no reason to drink like that"

• This was nearly a daily discussion at the end. When "This is the last time" did not succeed I would tell myself how wonderful my life was (which is absolutely correct). I had no reason to drink and so much to lose if I did......yet I did anyway.

What does reading my answers above tell me.......That I am powerless over alcohol and my life was and is unmanageable.

There is nooooo escape young man....

....From River Ridge anyhow

My first day at treatment - orientation threw me for a loop. Much more out-of-pocket money than I was expecting and very much a feeling that I was just another in a line of people to collect from. Then as the larger orientation group, it was a lot of do's and dont's for court ordered folks. I decided right there that I was in the wrong place. The intake counselor simply chose the longest program to get the most insurance dollars from me. Then I saw someone from my Sat. Morning AA meeting, and not wanting him to see me I hid around the corner.

When my wife returned to join me for the seminar (family members get to be at the seminars that are every other Wednesday), I got in the car and told her I was not staying in the program, that it was just for court ordered folks and that I did not need all of it. I said we should just stay for the seminar since we were there. Then a truck parked in front of us in a way that meant we could not leave anyway. My wife was noticeably upset, but did not say anything - we just went in.

After I sat down, I said the serenity prayer and took a deep breath. I then said a brief prayer for my wife. I then had a sense that in fact I would stay for the term of treatment, even though I despise the amount I need to spend (money is a character defect of mine, so maybe this is also being done for a reason).

During the break, she said she needed to go to the car to get her water. While I was walking down to take my UA I saw her in the parking lot on the phone. She was talking to her al-Anon sponsor. I called out to my friend from the Saturday AA Meeting and said hello. We spoke for a few minutes - he was there supporting his daughter who is in treatment. He was supportive of me and I was glad to not be ashamed to be seen by him.

The seminar was regarding addiction as a disease and how it affects the brain. It was a very good presentation. It was a great experience to share with my wife.

We then went to grab a bite to eat. My wife had two responses to my "reasons that I should not be at treatment" that she was ready with in case I (God) had not already changed my mind on my (his) own.

• Just court ordered folks - "Do we have to wait until you get arrested then?"
• Too much money - "Are you saying that your wife and children are not worth that amount?"

How in the hell do I respond to that?!?! Read Page 417 about acceptance.

I don't - I just be quiet and do what I am shown to do next. I am blessed to have the wife that I have. I am blessed to have the friends that I have. I am blessed to have the sponsor I have.

That is not kissing ass - just being grateful.

Good Night

"But I am not hurting anyone else...."

That is another of those lies an alcoholic tells himself when he is in his or her using cycle.

On the way home from work yesterday, as I saw my wife struggling with her emotions of hurt and anger. She was telling herself she did not know why she was upset, that she had nothing to be upset about. Then she said she needed to be strong and that the focus was supposed to be on me not her right now.

No wonder she was so conflicted inside. Nobody should have to go through the day that their needs and feelings are secondary or less important than another persons. My brief relapse has caused real pain within my wife, who has every right to express that pain in a healthy (though not necessarily enjoyable) manner.

Part of being human is knowing at some time in our life we will hurt and/or disappoint those we love the most. That does not make it any easier to observe.

I have many, many amends to make in my life to this woman I cherish so dearly.

Do I get a Re-Do?

Not from my decision to drink I do not get a re-do. I can pretend that "it will only be this once" and lie to myself, but I am only fooling myself. What I can re-do is my commitment to recovery.

On a lighter note, I can re-do my 1st step assignment list, this time using the correct version.

My assignments from my sponsor for the week:
- Read "How it Works"
- Read "Gratitude in Action - Page 194"
- Read "It Might Have Been Worse - Page 354"
- Read "A Drunk Like You - Page 401-403"
- Read "Acceptance was the Answer - Page 420"
- Read "Listening to the Wind - Page 467"
- Read "A Vision of Recovery - Page 499"

- Read "Acceptance was the Answer -Page 417" each day

It's just another day

Always enjoyed that Paul McCartney song.....

Good night with a nice intimate morning of discussion with my wife. Early mornings bring the best conversation, at least for us.

Kneeled for my morning prayer. My prayers have focused on helping my wife find peace, serenity and healing from my dishonesty. He is answering this prayer a little more each day.

I am still not 100% with being driven to work and to meetings yet, but probably at 90% of accepting this as it is. It is my job to accept what she needs me to do for her so that she can feel safe.

As for me - I need to get me a new Big Book and make the next right decision.

Over and out

Acceptance....

Page 417 of the Big Book.......just not MY Big Book (No wonder my Big Book did not talk about acceptance on Page 417?!?)

Today ended up being a good day, even though my homework was done with an old 3rd edition rather than a brand spanking new 4th edition. That said, I found much acceptance in my day today:

• I accept that my wife is not yet ready for me to drive alone
• I accept that for the next 4 months I will be attending a men's outpatient treatment program
• I accept that my wife cannot forget that I drove drunk with our family in the car
• I accept that my wife can forgive me yet not forget
• I accept that I will need to disclose to my children the exact nature of this wrong
• I accept the love and support that my friends and family give me without shame

Tonight's story was about hope, which I once again have

Humility

The them for my morning is humility:

• The humility attained every time my wife questions what I am doing or what I am thinking
• The humility of being driven to work, since my wife cannot trust that I have not drank at 6:00am

The humility may be good for my growth, but as I sit in my office getting ready for a busy day this humility makes it difficult to feel confident.

- I feel less like a leader and more like a meek follower.

- I feel like more like a child than I do an adult.

- I feel sadness in where I have fallen more than joy on where I am heading.

I take comfort in the fact that I am feeling all of these things

And so it begins.......

Today starts the next phase of my life. It is humbling to yet again be starting from Step One. For today, I have found peace in believing that this is where I need to be and where God wants me.

My 10th step presentation was simply an admission of where I have been the past eight weeks. A personal inventory of where I have been wrong and an admission of said wrong. The amount of love and grace within those walls never ceases to amaze.

My assignments from my sponsor for the week:
- Read "How it Works"
- Read "He had to be shown - Page 194"
- Read "A Teenagers Decision - Page 354"
- Read "Stars don't fall - Page 401-403"
- Read "Growing up all over again - Page 420"
- Read "Promoted to Chronic - Page 467"
- Read "Our Southern Friend - Page 499"

- Read "Stars don't fall -Page 417" each day

- List 25 things of how my life is unmanageable

- Have fun and start enjoying life

It appears vacation time is indeed over - back to the daily grind of recovery (thank goodness)

And Pissing on Today......

As I start my new life today, this saying from AA comes to my mind. I have spent the last 3 months pissing on today. Somewhere along the way, after over 4 years of a wonderful and sober life I stopped doing the things necessary to keep that life:

• Rigorous Honesty
• Do the next right thing
• Let go and Let God

There are many other sayings I could use but they all say the same thing really. It is a simple program really, recovery from addiction, but not an easy one. Bad habits and old character defects never truly go away - we have but a daily reprieve based on our spiritual condition. A spiritual condition that I lost somewhere along the way.

As I wrote in my last post elsewhere, my past life is over - I will now do my best with this one. One day at a time, doing the right next thing, being rigorously honest. These will allow me to get back onto a strong footing for my recovery and my life.

And are the only way to reclaim a small part of the wonderful life I had and subsequently pissed on........................