My first day at treatment - orientation threw me for a loop. Much more out-of-pocket money than I was expecting and very much a feeling that I was just another in a line of people to collect from. Then as the larger orientation group, it was a lot of do's and dont's for court ordered folks. I decided right there that I was in the wrong place. The intake counselor simply chose the longest program to get the most insurance dollars from me. Then I saw someone from my Sat. Morning AA meeting, and not wanting him to see me I hid around the corner.
When my wife returned to join me for the seminar (family members get to be at the seminars that are every other Wednesday), I got in the car and told her I was not staying in the program, that it was just for court ordered folks and that I did not need all of it. I said we should just stay for the seminar since we were there. Then a truck parked in front of us in a way that meant we could not leave anyway. My wife was noticeably upset, but did not say anything - we just went in.
After I sat down, I said the serenity prayer and took a deep breath. I then said a brief prayer for my wife. I then had a sense that in fact I would stay for the term of treatment, even though I despise the amount I need to spend (money is a character defect of mine, so maybe this is also being done for a reason).
During the break, she said she needed to go to the car to get her water. While I was walking down to take my UA I saw her in the parking lot on the phone. She was talking to her al-Anon sponsor. I called out to my friend from the Saturday AA Meeting and said hello. We spoke for a few minutes - he was there supporting his daughter who is in treatment. He was supportive of me and I was glad to not be ashamed to be seen by him.
The seminar was regarding addiction as a disease and how it affects the brain. It was a very good presentation. It was a great experience to share with my wife.
We then went to grab a bite to eat. My wife had two responses to my "reasons that I should not be at treatment" that she was ready with in case I (God) had not already changed my mind on my (his) own.
- Just court ordered folks - "Do we have to wait until you get arrested then?"
- Too much money - "Are you saying that your wife and children are not worth that amount?"
I don't - I just be quiet and do what I am shown to do next. I am blessed to have the wife that I have. I am blessed to have the friends that I have. I am blessed to have the sponsor I have.
That is not kissing ass - just being grateful.
Good Night
It sounds to me that the process of being humbled is begining. Though it is often a little painful and our egos get bruised it is vital to our recovery.
ReplyDeleteCourt ordered folks still suffer from the same disease. Maybe getting caught is God doing for them what they could not do from themselves.
As far as the money...I personally have been humbled in this area. Just be grateful to have money you have. There will always be people that have more than you and people that have less than you. I look at it this way. Are my NEEDS being met? My wants are many but my needs are few.
Just this drunks humble opinion.