Discombobulated by Omission

Discombobulate: Verb - having self-possession upset; thrown into confusion:

My entry yesterday illustrates how my emotional equilibrium gets thrown off when my wife goes on her float trip. Spoke to both my sponsors about my conflicting feelings, one yesterday afternoon and one this morning.

I am finding that having conflicting feelings about a single event is more commonplace for me than the exception I thought (or hoped) it would be. I also find that repressing those feelings is a coping mechanism I have developed so that I can please those I care about.

My quest to be a "supportive, understanding" husband lends itself to mixed emotions and confusion regarding what I 'should or should not' feel. Ironic, for years I medicated my feelings of with alcohol and drugs, yet my inner voice of insecurity finds other ways to express itself.

Omission: Noun - The action of excluding or leaving out someone or something:

In the case of the float trip, I feel guilty (unsupportive, ashamed, etc.). I truly do have supportive feelings about this event (that I express to my wife) yet I have difficult and bothersome feelings about it (that I have not shared with my wife). This lack of 'transparency' leads to the days of discombobulation in our relationship immediately preceding and following the event. This lack of transparency results in a very uncomfortable day today for both of us, as we both struggle to know what to say to one another, fearing that whatever is said will be misinterpreted by the other (or at least this is my fear).

One word seems to be in the center of all of my inner conflict: Why?

We will see if tonight is an evening of open discussion or if it is an evening of quiet reflection.