Discomfort

I hear in my treatment sessions that one of the goals of recovery is to live with discomfort without reverting to our addictions. It has dawned on me that the 'discomfort' that I felt in witnessing my parents' dysfunctional relationship with one another has been the trigger for my last two relapses.

A similar feeling of discomfort is one I have noticed creeping about into today. It is my wife's annual "Float down the river with her girlfriends day". The river is a well-known party river, where the booze and the debauchery flow.

Last year's event was the most stressful event to our marriage to date (yet much of the detail I had forgotten until my wife and I discussed it last night). To Summarize, she left for the river from work at around 11:00am. I had asked her to call me when she was done with her float, which I figured would be around 3:00. Once 4:00 passed I began to get a little concerned and texted her cell, which was followed by more frequent calls and texts. Finally, got ahold of her best friend at around 7:30pm. My wife had drank too much too fast and was extremely drunk, having thrown up throughout part of the float. She was lying down and could not come to the phone. I picked her up about 9:00pm. We ended up getting in a fight that night and into the next morning, where we discussed other events of the float, such as the New Orleans traditions to collect beads while floating.

As I said, I had forgotten the argument part until yesterday. The only part of last years discussion that I had remembered before yesterday was the more compassionate discussion of the next morning. My wife spoke about the shame she felt for removing her top to get beads and flirting with some of the bead providers. I assured her she should not be ashamed, that this was all clean fun with the gals and that I was not upset with her. I simply told her that if she wanted to bare her assets for beads that she should feel as comfortable doing that sober and with her head high, rather than drunk and ashamed. She is a beautiful woman and should not feel ashamed if she wants to let loose a bit.

As we spoke last night, I started to remember and feel the negatives that I had experienced last year - extreme worry when I could not reach her for hours and then being pissed once I did get ahold of someone. What really hit me last night is that I had 'repressed' the parts of the experience that I did not want to remember and could only recall those experiences where I was more 'proud' of myself for how I supported my wife, not the ones where I was unsupportive, angry and even petty in my responses.

That all leads me to today, 45 minutes before my wife leaves with the same gals for the same trip. They are leaving an hour earlier, and are thinking they may be able to make three trips today. I drove my wife to work and will be picking her up after my treatment session, which ends around 8:00pm. I carried her bad to the car - in it were 4 water bottles half filled with orange juice and a bottle of Malibu Rum that must have been in the freezer. My wife has spent all week telling me how this year she is going to monitor her consumption and her girlfriends will as well, as they do not want to have to hold her head while she throws up again. Considering the stated goal of the birthday girl is to get as drunk as possible and the second gal is always up for a good drunk, I am worried. My faith is being tested today.

I am not sure how I should feel - I know I am an overprotective person. I want her to have a great time - nice buzz and laughter, a bit of flirting and bead naughtiness and an overall hell of a time. I pray that she does not get over-inebriated, over-exposed and into situations that are dangerous since I am not there to protect her. Sound like the same concerns I have for our oldest son as he plans his first concert outing since turning 18.

Like I said, my faith is being tested. Journaling this helps me to get that faith back. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. All I control is how I respond to the day.

May I respond with Dignity, Grace, Acceptance and Love