A Vision of Recovery

The first sentence of this story begins with "I thought I was different because I'm an ........"

This declaration of uniqueness is one that I have made multiple times in justifying drinking to myself. Whether it was the stress of my job, the loneliness of prior relationships or the challenges of three teenagers I somehow was convinced that these were different from the millions of other people in the world who experience the same every day.

While it may not be a character defect per se, it is another area I need to be reminded of on a regular basis - I am an average, ordinary run of the mill drunk. No better and no worse than the alcoholic who still suffers. I visited one such suffering alcoholic yesterday. It saddened me to see him and I wonder if I could have done more, but ultimately he needs to decide he is worth it. I cannot convince him of that.

My thoughts on the last assigned reading for Step One are below:

"I was honest with God and really wanted God's help. From that day on I knew that I had found a higher power and that He would help me"

• For me, this statement personifies surrender. When I finally surrendered to my disease, that it was in fact more powerful than I and made my life unmanageable. When I finally surrendered to that power that is greater than I am, the one that I am told will return me to sanity if I simply let go and allow it to.
  

"I now understand that the spiritual malady should be my main concern and that the more faith I have, the fewer problems I will have."

• For me, this statement personifies surrender. When I finally surrendered to my disease, that it was in fact more powerful than I and made my life unmanageable. When I finally surrendered to that power that is greater than I am, the one that I am told will return me to sanity if I simply let go and allow it to.

"I just know that more happiness is to come into my life as I 'trudge the road of happy destiny'"

• A day at a time, making the next right decision, first things first, go to meetings and don't drink, get a sponsor and work the steps. These make up the path of a destiny that is in fact happy, joyous and free.
  

Listening to the Wind

Been a very stressful week, as an employee, a step-father and a husband. As stressful as any week I can recall, and much more so than the events that me to relapse. The difference in my response is my focus on recovery and connection to my higher power.

I would hope so, given that I am at some form of recovery meeting every day right now, but this last week that was exactly what I needed to get through. I survived with dignity, grace and with putting my sobriety first.

Now to my assigned readings:

"The First Step showed me I was powerless over alcohol and anything else that theratened my sobriety or muddled my thinking "

• As my paragraphs above highlight, I am powerless not only over just alcohol but powerless over people, places and things. All of these can muddle my thinking, but God can walk me through the mud if I simply 'do the next right thing'

"Alcohol was only a symptom of much deeper problems of dishonesty and denial"

• This is a concept that I have embraced for quite some time. Honesty is my #1 character defect; issue that gets me in trouble and ultimately leads me to a drink that I do not truly want'

"I was allowing others to control my sense of well being and behavior"

• This is where my resentments lead me, if I hang onto them. Others cannot be a negative influence on my unless I let them.

Good Night....

Read Page 417...Read Page 417...Read Page 417...

........I hear that in my sleep and in my dreams

So - Do you think a certain sentence from Page 417 will show up when I read "Acceptance was the Answer"

Let's Find Out:

"If you had my problems (my wife), you would drink too"

• In my first marriage, this was a common theme to my drinking. This was something that at some lower level I even believed after my divorce. I truly believed that with Nicha I would never drink again. That is probably still the single most demoralizing aspect of my relapse. Given that, it just reinforces that I am and will always be an alcoholic on the inside, no matter what blessings I have surrounding me. My daily reprieve is based on my spiritual condition as well as my acceptance of the world around me.

"There's only one persons' guts I hate more that yours and those are my own"

• For so many years I hated myself. The more I drank, the more I cheated, the more I lied, the more I hated myself. This simply led to more of those destructive actions. I started to dislike myself again with the latest relapse. Not to the same extent as before, but poor decisions lead to poor self-worth.
  

"I had to give up all mood and mind-affecting chemicals in order to stay sober"

• When I was in the ER for my abdomen, they gave me morphine and then a prescription for Vicodin. All this and they do not know what is wrong with me. My wife has the prescription - I am not sure how I feel about not taking it if the pain gets as bad as it was on Wednesday.
  

"If I could just control the external environment, the internal environment would then become comfortable"

• When I was in the ER for my abdomen, they gave me morphine and then a prescription for Vicodin. All this and they do not know what is wrong with me. My wife has the prescription - I am not sure how I feel about not taking it if the pain gets as bad as it was on Wednesday.

"At last, acceptance proved to be the key to my drinking problem"

• Acceptance is something for me to work on every day. That must be why my sponsor has me reading Page 417 every day. :-P
  

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today"

• To Reiterate: That must be why my sponsor has me reading Page 417 every day.

"Perhaps the best thing of all is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations"

• I so needed to hear this again - especially when it comes to Brady. I struggle so much in how much lower I should drop my expectations. If I am a father to him, don't I need to expect even the slightest of effort? This will be my daily effort to practice acceptance.

Blended not Stirred....

Not exactly James Bond, but sometimes I feel like I am battling an enemy in plain sight. This one would be my step-son, who this morning was irritated because he did not get to go to Kwik Trip for breakfast. He did not want to eat his bagel, so he put his bagel and plate on the top of the refrigerator. Why???? - "Because the dogs will eat it if I leave it on the counter".

So I say "Are you planning on eating it later?", to which the answer is "No". No my wife is unhappy with me as I did not communicate to him in a positive fashion. This is true - WTF is so difficult in throwing something away rather than just setting it anywhere you damn well feel like because you cannot be bothered with cleaning up after yourself.

So now again somehow his absolute selfishness and laziness is somehow my fault.

Ugh

A Drunk Like You .......

No...A Drunk Like You!!!! - Page 401-403"

"Now I was more powerful that than alcohol because for the first time in a long time I could choose not to use".

• What struck me was the use of "I was more powerful". Having suffered from this over-confidence myself last year, it is not surprising that this gentleman drank again, as I did. It is imperative to remember that alcohol is more powerful than I am in and of itself. It is only with the strength from my higher power and the program of AA that I in fact can stay sober.
  

"Now somehow between the time I lost my job and my flight to the convention, I decided maybe I was not an alcoholic and decided to test that theory".

• I love the justification of stating that he is a researcher after all. More prevalent for me is the travel. I have always found business trips as either 'feast or famine'. Either attending new meetings with strong sobriety or preoccupation with alcohol as soon as I land. I have the ability to stay sober while out of town, as long as I take precautions and set up accountability.
  

It Might Have Been Worse .....

Second Assignment - Pages 352 to 355 focus on the first step of powerlessness and unmanageability. The guiding principle for the first step is Honesty (I believe). My honest thoughts regarding these sentences of substance"

"There comes a time when you don't want to live and are afraid to die"

• This was how I felt (somewhat) on Friday, April 29th. Not so much that I did not want to live, but I truly understood for the first time why someone would feel that way. That allowed me to fully surrender (again) and stop the insanity that I could stop on my own.
  

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our life had become unmanageable. This didn't say we had to be in jail ten, fifty or a hundred times."

• This reminds me of my rationalization during my orientation for treatment on Wednesday. As noted, I started to think and that thinking led me to the brilliant conclusion that I really did not need to be there, since 'everyone else was court ordered'. Funny, on Friday I found out that this was not accurate in the slightest.
  

"Most certainly I was powerless over alcohol and for me, my life had become unmanageable. It wasn't how for I had gone but where I was headed."

• I remember many years ago someone talking to me about 'hitting our bottom'. "There is no rule that one must lose their family, their job or their freedom before they reach their lowest point. On the other hand, they will most certainly experience all of those scenario's if that is what it takes for them to make a change". As my sponsor so wisely reminded me, those court-ordered simply were caught. So do I need to wait to get caught?
  

"I was told that I must want sobriety for my own sake, and I am convinced that is true."

• This is certainly not a new concept to me. This is just a good reminder for me that sobriety is always and must always be my highest priority. I can have none of my other priorities if I do not have sobriety.

Today is a great day.

Gratitude in Action

In reading pages 193 to 195, there are three passages that spoke to me in that deep, loud "Dumb-ass this is you" voice.

"I could go back to where I was if I forget the wonderful things that have been given to me...............or forget that God is the one that keeps me on the path"

• This is exactly what happened. I went back to my addiction one time. which led me to hide that one time, which in turn allowed me to drink another time, which led to another omission and so on.....
  

"......Alcohol turned out to be much more powerful than I ever was"

• For three months I told myself "this is the last time, I will begin recovery anew tomorrow morning". That last time was never the last time until the secret was fully exposed and I finally and fully surrendered - alcohol is stronger than I am alone, which is why I need the presence of God and support of other alcoholics.

".....why do you drink so much, you have a wonderful wife, a bright little boy. You have no reason to drink like that"

• This was nearly a daily discussion at the end. When "This is the last time" did not succeed I would tell myself how wonderful my life was (which is absolutely correct). I had no reason to drink and so much to lose if I did......yet I did anyway.

What does reading my answers above tell me.......That I am powerless over alcohol and my life was and is unmanageable.

There is nooooo escape young man....

....From River Ridge anyhow

My first day at treatment - orientation threw me for a loop. Much more out-of-pocket money than I was expecting and very much a feeling that I was just another in a line of people to collect from. Then as the larger orientation group, it was a lot of do's and dont's for court ordered folks. I decided right there that I was in the wrong place. The intake counselor simply chose the longest program to get the most insurance dollars from me. Then I saw someone from my Sat. Morning AA meeting, and not wanting him to see me I hid around the corner.

When my wife returned to join me for the seminar (family members get to be at the seminars that are every other Wednesday), I got in the car and told her I was not staying in the program, that it was just for court ordered folks and that I did not need all of it. I said we should just stay for the seminar since we were there. Then a truck parked in front of us in a way that meant we could not leave anyway. My wife was noticeably upset, but did not say anything - we just went in.

After I sat down, I said the serenity prayer and took a deep breath. I then said a brief prayer for my wife. I then had a sense that in fact I would stay for the term of treatment, even though I despise the amount I need to spend (money is a character defect of mine, so maybe this is also being done for a reason).

During the break, she said she needed to go to the car to get her water. While I was walking down to take my UA I saw her in the parking lot on the phone. She was talking to her al-Anon sponsor. I called out to my friend from the Saturday AA Meeting and said hello. We spoke for a few minutes - he was there supporting his daughter who is in treatment. He was supportive of me and I was glad to not be ashamed to be seen by him.

The seminar was regarding addiction as a disease and how it affects the brain. It was a very good presentation. It was a great experience to share with my wife.

We then went to grab a bite to eat. My wife had two responses to my "reasons that I should not be at treatment" that she was ready with in case I (God) had not already changed my mind on my (his) own.

• Just court ordered folks - "Do we have to wait until you get arrested then?"
• Too much money - "Are you saying that your wife and children are not worth that amount?"

How in the hell do I respond to that?!?! Read Page 417 about acceptance.

I don't - I just be quiet and do what I am shown to do next. I am blessed to have the wife that I have. I am blessed to have the friends that I have. I am blessed to have the sponsor I have.

That is not kissing ass - just being grateful.

Good Night

"But I am not hurting anyone else...."

That is another of those lies an alcoholic tells himself when he is in his or her using cycle.

On the way home from work yesterday, as I saw my wife struggling with her emotions of hurt and anger. She was telling herself she did not know why she was upset, that she had nothing to be upset about. Then she said she needed to be strong and that the focus was supposed to be on me not her right now.

No wonder she was so conflicted inside. Nobody should have to go through the day that their needs and feelings are secondary or less important than another persons. My brief relapse has caused real pain within my wife, who has every right to express that pain in a healthy (though not necessarily enjoyable) manner.

Part of being human is knowing at some time in our life we will hurt and/or disappoint those we love the most. That does not make it any easier to observe.

I have many, many amends to make in my life to this woman I cherish so dearly.

Do I get a Re-Do?

Not from my decision to drink I do not get a re-do. I can pretend that "it will only be this once" and lie to myself, but I am only fooling myself. What I can re-do is my commitment to recovery.

On a lighter note, I can re-do my 1st step assignment list, this time using the correct version.

My assignments from my sponsor for the week:
- Read "How it Works"
- Read "Gratitude in Action - Page 194"
- Read "It Might Have Been Worse - Page 354"
- Read "A Drunk Like You - Page 401-403"
- Read "Acceptance was the Answer - Page 420"
- Read "Listening to the Wind - Page 467"
- Read "A Vision of Recovery - Page 499"

- Read "Acceptance was the Answer -Page 417" each day

It's just another day

Always enjoyed that Paul McCartney song.....

Good night with a nice intimate morning of discussion with my wife. Early mornings bring the best conversation, at least for us.

Kneeled for my morning prayer. My prayers have focused on helping my wife find peace, serenity and healing from my dishonesty. He is answering this prayer a little more each day.

I am still not 100% with being driven to work and to meetings yet, but probably at 90% of accepting this as it is. It is my job to accept what she needs me to do for her so that she can feel safe.

As for me - I need to get me a new Big Book and make the next right decision.

Over and out

Acceptance....

Page 417 of the Big Book.......just not MY Big Book (No wonder my Big Book did not talk about acceptance on Page 417?!?)

Today ended up being a good day, even though my homework was done with an old 3rd edition rather than a brand spanking new 4th edition. That said, I found much acceptance in my day today:

• I accept that my wife is not yet ready for me to drive alone
• I accept that for the next 4 months I will be attending a men's outpatient treatment program
• I accept that my wife cannot forget that I drove drunk with our family in the car
• I accept that my wife can forgive me yet not forget
• I accept that I will need to disclose to my children the exact nature of this wrong
• I accept the love and support that my friends and family give me without shame

Tonight's story was about hope, which I once again have

Humility

The them for my morning is humility:

• The humility attained every time my wife questions what I am doing or what I am thinking
• The humility of being driven to work, since my wife cannot trust that I have not drank at 6:00am

The humility may be good for my growth, but as I sit in my office getting ready for a busy day this humility makes it difficult to feel confident.

- I feel less like a leader and more like a meek follower.

- I feel like more like a child than I do an adult.

- I feel sadness in where I have fallen more than joy on where I am heading.

I take comfort in the fact that I am feeling all of these things

And so it begins.......

Today starts the next phase of my life. It is humbling to yet again be starting from Step One. For today, I have found peace in believing that this is where I need to be and where God wants me.

My 10th step presentation was simply an admission of where I have been the past eight weeks. A personal inventory of where I have been wrong and an admission of said wrong. The amount of love and grace within those walls never ceases to amaze.

My assignments from my sponsor for the week:
- Read "How it Works"
- Read "He had to be shown - Page 194"
- Read "A Teenagers Decision - Page 354"
- Read "Stars don't fall - Page 401-403"
- Read "Growing up all over again - Page 420"
- Read "Promoted to Chronic - Page 467"
- Read "Our Southern Friend - Page 499"

- Read "Stars don't fall -Page 417" each day

- List 25 things of how my life is unmanageable

- Have fun and start enjoying life

It appears vacation time is indeed over - back to the daily grind of recovery (thank goodness)