........Is what I am trying to do, although reminders keep bringing me down to where I was after we last met. "We will see if tonight is an evening of open discussion or if it is an evening of quiet reflection" was my intention but instead my insecurities flowed through. Confusion abounding of what are the boundaries; what crosses them and when do they apply. First the boy and now the Facebook - triggers that bring back the discomfort and confusion....Some day I will make peace
Acceptance was the Answer:
......And acceptance was the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.
What I struggle with in the first paragraph is exactly when; how; why......
Hence my current conclusion to Step Two for now............Certainly not the completion thereof
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Discombobulated by Omission
Discombobulate: Verb - having self-possession upset; thrown into confusion:
My entry yesterday illustrates how my emotional equilibrium gets thrown off when my wife goes on her float trip. Spoke to both my sponsors about my conflicting feelings, one yesterday afternoon and one this morning.
I am finding that having conflicting feelings about a single event is more commonplace for me than the exception I thought (or hoped) it would be. I also find that repressing those feelings is a coping mechanism I have developed so that I can please those I care about.
My quest to be a "supportive, understanding" husband lends itself to mixed emotions and confusion regarding what I 'should or should not' feel. Ironic, for years I medicated my feelings of with alcohol and drugs, yet my inner voice of insecurity finds other ways to express itself.
Omission: Noun - The action of excluding or leaving out someone or something:
In the case of the float trip, I feel guilty (unsupportive, ashamed, etc.). I truly do have supportive feelings about this event (that I express to my wife) yet I have difficult and bothersome feelings about it (that I have not shared with my wife). This lack of 'transparency' leads to the days of discombobulation in our relationship immediately preceding and following the event. This lack of transparency results in a very uncomfortable day today for both of us, as we both struggle to know what to say to one another, fearing that whatever is said will be misinterpreted by the other (or at least this is my fear).
One word seems to be in the center of all of my inner conflict: Why?
We will see if tonight is an evening of open discussion or if it is an evening of quiet reflection.
My entry yesterday illustrates how my emotional equilibrium gets thrown off when my wife goes on her float trip. Spoke to both my sponsors about my conflicting feelings, one yesterday afternoon and one this morning.
I am finding that having conflicting feelings about a single event is more commonplace for me than the exception I thought (or hoped) it would be. I also find that repressing those feelings is a coping mechanism I have developed so that I can please those I care about.
My quest to be a "supportive, understanding" husband lends itself to mixed emotions and confusion regarding what I 'should or should not' feel. Ironic, for years I medicated my feelings of with alcohol and drugs, yet my inner voice of insecurity finds other ways to express itself.
Omission: Noun - The action of excluding or leaving out someone or something:
In the case of the float trip, I feel guilty (unsupportive, ashamed, etc.). I truly do have supportive feelings about this event (that I express to my wife) yet I have difficult and bothersome feelings about it (that I have not shared with my wife). This lack of 'transparency' leads to the days of discombobulation in our relationship immediately preceding and following the event. This lack of transparency results in a very uncomfortable day today for both of us, as we both struggle to know what to say to one another, fearing that whatever is said will be misinterpreted by the other (or at least this is my fear).
One word seems to be in the center of all of my inner conflict: Why?
We will see if tonight is an evening of open discussion or if it is an evening of quiet reflection.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Discomfort
I hear in my treatment sessions that one of the goals of recovery is to live with discomfort without reverting to our addictions. It has dawned on me that the 'discomfort' that I felt in witnessing my parents' dysfunctional relationship with one another has been the trigger for my last two relapses.
A similar feeling of discomfort is one I have noticed creeping about into today. It is my wife's annual "Float down the river with her girlfriends day". The river is a well-known party river, where the booze and the debauchery flow.
Last year's event was the most stressful event to our marriage to date (yet much of the detail I had forgotten until my wife and I discussed it last night). To Summarize, she left for the river from work at around 11:00am. I had asked her to call me when she was done with her float, which I figured would be around 3:00. Once 4:00 passed I began to get a little concerned and texted her cell, which was followed by more frequent calls and texts. Finally, got ahold of her best friend at around 7:30pm. My wife had drank too much too fast and was extremely drunk, having thrown up throughout part of the float. She was lying down and could not come to the phone. I picked her up about 9:00pm. We ended up getting in a fight that night and into the next morning, where we discussed other events of the float, such as the New Orleans traditions to collect beads while floating.
As I said, I had forgotten the argument part until yesterday. The only part of last years discussion that I had remembered before yesterday was the more compassionate discussion of the next morning. My wife spoke about the shame she felt for removing her top to get beads and flirting with some of the bead providers. I assured her she should not be ashamed, that this was all clean fun with the gals and that I was not upset with her. I simply told her that if she wanted to bare her assets for beads that she should feel as comfortable doing that sober and with her head high, rather than drunk and ashamed. She is a beautiful woman and should not feel ashamed if she wants to let loose a bit.
As we spoke last night, I started to remember and feel the negatives that I had experienced last year - extreme worry when I could not reach her for hours and then being pissed once I did get ahold of someone. What really hit me last night is that I had 'repressed' the parts of the experience that I did not want to remember and could only recall those experiences where I was more 'proud' of myself for how I supported my wife, not the ones where I was unsupportive, angry and even petty in my responses.
That all leads me to today, 45 minutes before my wife leaves with the same gals for the same trip. They are leaving an hour earlier, and are thinking they may be able to make three trips today. I drove my wife to work and will be picking her up after my treatment session, which ends around 8:00pm. I carried her bad to the car - in it were 4 water bottles half filled with orange juice and a bottle of Malibu Rum that must have been in the freezer. My wife has spent all week telling me how this year she is going to monitor her consumption and her girlfriends will as well, as they do not want to have to hold her head while she throws up again. Considering the stated goal of the birthday girl is to get as drunk as possible and the second gal is always up for a good drunk, I am worried. My faith is being tested today.
I am not sure how I should feel - I know I am an overprotective person. I want her to have a great time - nice buzz and laughter, a bit of flirting and bead naughtiness and an overall hell of a time. I pray that she does not get over-inebriated, over-exposed and into situations that are dangerous since I am not there to protect her. Sound like the same concerns I have for our oldest son as he plans his first concert outing since turning 18.
Like I said, my faith is being tested. Journaling this helps me to get that faith back. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. All I control is how I respond to the day.
May I respond with Dignity, Grace, Acceptance and Love
A similar feeling of discomfort is one I have noticed creeping about into today. It is my wife's annual "Float down the river with her girlfriends day". The river is a well-known party river, where the booze and the debauchery flow.
Last year's event was the most stressful event to our marriage to date (yet much of the detail I had forgotten until my wife and I discussed it last night). To Summarize, she left for the river from work at around 11:00am. I had asked her to call me when she was done with her float, which I figured would be around 3:00. Once 4:00 passed I began to get a little concerned and texted her cell, which was followed by more frequent calls and texts. Finally, got ahold of her best friend at around 7:30pm. My wife had drank too much too fast and was extremely drunk, having thrown up throughout part of the float. She was lying down and could not come to the phone. I picked her up about 9:00pm. We ended up getting in a fight that night and into the next morning, where we discussed other events of the float, such as the New Orleans traditions to collect beads while floating.
As I said, I had forgotten the argument part until yesterday. The only part of last years discussion that I had remembered before yesterday was the more compassionate discussion of the next morning. My wife spoke about the shame she felt for removing her top to get beads and flirting with some of the bead providers. I assured her she should not be ashamed, that this was all clean fun with the gals and that I was not upset with her. I simply told her that if she wanted to bare her assets for beads that she should feel as comfortable doing that sober and with her head high, rather than drunk and ashamed. She is a beautiful woman and should not feel ashamed if she wants to let loose a bit.
As we spoke last night, I started to remember and feel the negatives that I had experienced last year - extreme worry when I could not reach her for hours and then being pissed once I did get ahold of someone. What really hit me last night is that I had 'repressed' the parts of the experience that I did not want to remember and could only recall those experiences where I was more 'proud' of myself for how I supported my wife, not the ones where I was unsupportive, angry and even petty in my responses.
That all leads me to today, 45 minutes before my wife leaves with the same gals for the same trip. They are leaving an hour earlier, and are thinking they may be able to make three trips today. I drove my wife to work and will be picking her up after my treatment session, which ends around 8:00pm. I carried her bad to the car - in it were 4 water bottles half filled with orange juice and a bottle of Malibu Rum that must have been in the freezer. My wife has spent all week telling me how this year she is going to monitor her consumption and her girlfriends will as well, as they do not want to have to hold her head while she throws up again. Considering the stated goal of the birthday girl is to get as drunk as possible and the second gal is always up for a good drunk, I am worried. My faith is being tested today.
I am not sure how I should feel - I know I am an overprotective person. I want her to have a great time - nice buzz and laughter, a bit of flirting and bead naughtiness and an overall hell of a time. I pray that she does not get over-inebriated, over-exposed and into situations that are dangerous since I am not there to protect her. Sound like the same concerns I have for our oldest son as he plans his first concert outing since turning 18.
Like I said, my faith is being tested. Journaling this helps me to get that faith back. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. All I control is how I respond to the day.
May I respond with Dignity, Grace, Acceptance and Love
Friday, July 1, 2011
A Different Approach
In reading "A Vision of Recovery" I am struck more by concepts that jump out of at me rather than any particular sentences.
- Broken Promises: On Page 496, the Indian discusses his promise to take his son to the movies, only to go back on his word after starting to drink. 'I meant it from the bottom of my heart' - That I could comprehend. In my drinking career, many a time the pursuit of alcohol led me down a path of dishonesty. But early on I was proud of the fact that I was not a "liar" - liars were people who deliberately set out to hurt someone; premeditated as it were. That was not me - I would never have done or said the things I did if I was not drunk. Nothing like taking no responsibility for my actions. Recovery teaches me that being an 'honest man' is a full time job. There is no 'except when I'..............
- Hope: The spiritual principle for Step Two is Hope. On Page 498, the Indian makes the statement "I had the nerve to question Step Two and wonder why I had been restored to sanity". He was in the hospital, clinging to life and yet he drank the booze his friends brought him. Any "normal" person would think that to be insane indeed. But as an alcoholic, that choice makes perverse sense to me. I am not proud of that fact. From DWI's to jumping out a 2nd story window to smashing my head through a windshield, these events were ones where most would see proof that not drinking was an appropriate response - which I certainly do as well when enveloped in recovery. Conversely, when in the active denial of drinking these same events are coincidence or simply bad luck. That is indeed insane!!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)