Hello..................................Is there anybody out there (Pink Floyd of course)

Movin' On Up.....

........Is what I am trying to do, although reminders keep bringing me down to where I was after we last met. "We will see if tonight is an evening of open discussion or if it is an evening of quiet reflection" was my intention but instead my insecurities flowed through. Confusion abounding of what are the boundaries; what crosses them and when do they apply. First the boy and now the Facebook - triggers that bring back the discomfort and confusion....Some day I will make peace

Acceptance was the Answer:
......And acceptance was the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.

What I struggle with in the first paragraph is exactly when; how; why......

Hence my current conclusion to Step Two for now............Certainly not the completion thereof

Discombobulated by Omission

Discombobulate: Verb - having self-possession upset; thrown into confusion:

My entry yesterday illustrates how my emotional equilibrium gets thrown off when my wife goes on her float trip. Spoke to both my sponsors about my conflicting feelings, one yesterday afternoon and one this morning.

I am finding that having conflicting feelings about a single event is more commonplace for me than the exception I thought (or hoped) it would be. I also find that repressing those feelings is a coping mechanism I have developed so that I can please those I care about.

My quest to be a "supportive, understanding" husband lends itself to mixed emotions and confusion regarding what I 'should or should not' feel. Ironic, for years I medicated my feelings of with alcohol and drugs, yet my inner voice of insecurity finds other ways to express itself.

Omission: Noun - The action of excluding or leaving out someone or something:

In the case of the float trip, I feel guilty (unsupportive, ashamed, etc.). I truly do have supportive feelings about this event (that I express to my wife) yet I have difficult and bothersome feelings about it (that I have not shared with my wife). This lack of 'transparency' leads to the days of discombobulation in our relationship immediately preceding and following the event. This lack of transparency results in a very uncomfortable day today for both of us, as we both struggle to know what to say to one another, fearing that whatever is said will be misinterpreted by the other (or at least this is my fear).

One word seems to be in the center of all of my inner conflict: Why?

We will see if tonight is an evening of open discussion or if it is an evening of quiet reflection.

Discomfort

I hear in my treatment sessions that one of the goals of recovery is to live with discomfort without reverting to our addictions. It has dawned on me that the 'discomfort' that I felt in witnessing my parents' dysfunctional relationship with one another has been the trigger for my last two relapses.

A similar feeling of discomfort is one I have noticed creeping about into today. It is my wife's annual "Float down the river with her girlfriends day". The river is a well-known party river, where the booze and the debauchery flow.

Last year's event was the most stressful event to our marriage to date (yet much of the detail I had forgotten until my wife and I discussed it last night). To Summarize, she left for the river from work at around 11:00am. I had asked her to call me when she was done with her float, which I figured would be around 3:00. Once 4:00 passed I began to get a little concerned and texted her cell, which was followed by more frequent calls and texts. Finally, got ahold of her best friend at around 7:30pm. My wife had drank too much too fast and was extremely drunk, having thrown up throughout part of the float. She was lying down and could not come to the phone. I picked her up about 9:00pm. We ended up getting in a fight that night and into the next morning, where we discussed other events of the float, such as the New Orleans traditions to collect beads while floating.

As I said, I had forgotten the argument part until yesterday. The only part of last years discussion that I had remembered before yesterday was the more compassionate discussion of the next morning. My wife spoke about the shame she felt for removing her top to get beads and flirting with some of the bead providers. I assured her she should not be ashamed, that this was all clean fun with the gals and that I was not upset with her. I simply told her that if she wanted to bare her assets for beads that she should feel as comfortable doing that sober and with her head high, rather than drunk and ashamed. She is a beautiful woman and should not feel ashamed if she wants to let loose a bit.

As we spoke last night, I started to remember and feel the negatives that I had experienced last year - extreme worry when I could not reach her for hours and then being pissed once I did get ahold of someone. What really hit me last night is that I had 'repressed' the parts of the experience that I did not want to remember and could only recall those experiences where I was more 'proud' of myself for how I supported my wife, not the ones where I was unsupportive, angry and even petty in my responses.

That all leads me to today, 45 minutes before my wife leaves with the same gals for the same trip. They are leaving an hour earlier, and are thinking they may be able to make three trips today. I drove my wife to work and will be picking her up after my treatment session, which ends around 8:00pm. I carried her bad to the car - in it were 4 water bottles half filled with orange juice and a bottle of Malibu Rum that must have been in the freezer. My wife has spent all week telling me how this year she is going to monitor her consumption and her girlfriends will as well, as they do not want to have to hold her head while she throws up again. Considering the stated goal of the birthday girl is to get as drunk as possible and the second gal is always up for a good drunk, I am worried. My faith is being tested today.

I am not sure how I should feel - I know I am an overprotective person. I want her to have a great time - nice buzz and laughter, a bit of flirting and bead naughtiness and an overall hell of a time. I pray that she does not get over-inebriated, over-exposed and into situations that are dangerous since I am not there to protect her. Sound like the same concerns I have for our oldest son as he plans his first concert outing since turning 18.

Like I said, my faith is being tested. Journaling this helps me to get that faith back. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. All I control is how I respond to the day.

May I respond with Dignity, Grace, Acceptance and Love

A Different Approach

In reading "A Vision of Recovery" I am struck more by concepts that jump out of at me rather than any particular sentences.

• Broken Promises: On Page 496, the Indian discusses his promise to take his son to the movies, only to go back on his word after starting to drink. 'I meant it from the bottom of my heart' - That I could comprehend. In my drinking career, many a time the pursuit of alcohol led me down a path of dishonesty. But early on I was proud of the fact that I was not a "liar" - liars were people who deliberately set out to hurt someone; premeditated as it were. That was not me - I would never have done or said the things I did if I was not drunk. Nothing like taking no responsibility for my actions. Recovery teaches me that being an 'honest man' is a full time job. There is no 'except when I'..............

• Hope: The spiritual principle for Step Two is Hope. On Page 498, the Indian makes the statement "I had the nerve to question Step Two and wonder why I had been restored to sanity". He was in the hospital, clinging to life and yet he drank the booze his friends brought him. Any "normal" person would think that to be insane indeed. But as an alcoholic, that choice makes perverse sense to me. I am not proud of that fact. From DWI's to jumping out a 2nd story window to smashing my head through a windshield, these events were ones where most would see proof that not drinking was an appropriate response - which I certainly do as well when enveloped in recovery. Conversely, when in the active denial of drinking these same events are coincidence or simply bad luck. That is indeed insane!!

Have a wonderful holiday - I am off to the gym and then to treatment. Life is indeed wonderful

Faith.....

...was our meeting topic today. Faith reminds me of the 3rd step; that it is imperative for me to turn my will over.................Every morning................on my knees

Now to our regular scheduled program:

THE PERPETUAL QUEST

• "I bought the book Alcoholics Anonymous, listened intently, and then for the first time went for coffee with those people and listened some more."
• "The next morning I knew I did not have to drink. That night I went to a meeting where they discussed Step 2......and I even talked about God"
• "I did everything that was that was suggested to me............I tried to keep an open mind no matter what anyone said or how stupid I thought it was"

All three of these statements ring true to me. They also represent areas I am focusing on for improvement within myself: Listening, Hope and Taking Direction. For me, all three of these behaviors require that I have faith...... Faith both in my higher power and with my sponsor........and the faith in myself that I can!!!

Been too long......

....since I last blogged.

The last week has been productive, both from a standpoint of sobriety but in leading a life that is recovery focused. Starting my sixth week of outpatient treatment. I have truly enjoyed my experience so far and look forward to attending each session. My personal relationships with family have been stronger and more transparent. This leads me to a much better frame of mind.

Attending the 4th Step workshop on Sundays has been great. I am meeting new people but also working on expanding my mental horizons. Having completed two prior 4th steps, I feel a sense of comfort in the process as well as the topics. My one concern is in my preliminary resentment list. It feels somewhat general and light in substance. Not sure this is true but will continue to examine the list as I move to my fears list.

Now for my 2nd step assignment:

Read Pg 59 - How it Works
I must admit, this is an interesting choice, as we read this at every meeting I attend. For purposes of Step Two, I believe that the last three sentences sum up my task at hand:

• That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives
• That probably no human power could have relieved my alcoholism
• Than God could and would if he were sought

Read Pg 335 - Crossing the River of Denial
"Denial is the most cunning and powerful part of my disease.."

• Denial if the truth and minimizing of facts are certainly toward the top of my significant character defects. Defined as a defense mechanism, denial can distort reality and make me believe thoughts that are absolutely untrue (like I can control my drinking). Combatting denial is a primary reason for my need of a sponsor. He can cut through my crap and state exactly what I need to hear rather than what I may want to hear.
  

"......But this time I asked with all of my heart for God to help me, and a strange thing happened."

• That strange thing was that God helped me. Not really all that strange, given the experiences of others, as well as for myself prior. But once again, this promise came to me once I submitted. On April 30th, I was able to do exactly what I was unable to just 24 hours prior let alone the previous 3 months. Moral of the story - not only do I not need to be in recovery alone, but in fact I cannot truly be in recovery in isolation.
  

"I understood that it was not the worlds job to understand my disease, rather it was my job to work my program and not drink, no matter what."

• Although perhaps not Step Two specific, I just resonated with this statement in the story. It is a reminder of why my active participation and engagement in AA is so crucial for me. My fellowship with others in recovery allows me to feel less 'abnormal' in a world that does not tilt toward the principles of recovery. Those who understand do so without saying a word; those that do not understand will not after 1,000 words.
  

From my daily reading:

Life is an ongoing experience with two opposing forces. One force is constantly building up, and the other is constantly tearing down. We have successes and accomplishments, and we have failures and defeats. We finally get our house in order, and it immediately begins to become disordered again.

There are forces supporting our self-esteem and forces tearing us down. Friends who wish us well, good will and generosity among people, and the momentum of our healthy actions are constructive forces in our lives. Destructive forces are the pull of old habits, bad luck, accidents, and negative thoughts. We must choose on which side we will put our energies. Are we men who hate ourselves, believe in bad luck and despair, and thereby join the forces that would tear us down? Or will we choose to be on the side that builds us up?

Today, by the grace of God, I will join the forces that are on my side. I will stand up for myself and my worth.

I loved this reading and will remember it today as I allow the positive forces of recovery to continue to lead me back to sanity.