....since I last blogged.
The last week has been productive, both from a standpoint of sobriety but in leading a life that is recovery focused. Starting my sixth week of outpatient treatment. I have truly enjoyed my experience so far and look forward to attending each session. My personal relationships with family have been stronger and more transparent. This leads me to a much better frame of mind.
Attending the 4th Step workshop on Sundays has been great. I am meeting new people but also working on expanding my mental horizons. Having completed two prior 4th steps, I feel a sense of comfort in the process as well as the topics. My one concern is in my preliminary resentment list. It feels somewhat general and light in substance. Not sure this is true but will continue to examine the list as I move to my fears list.
Now for my 2nd step assignment:
Read Pg 59 - How it Works
I must admit, this is an interesting choice, as we read this at every meeting I attend. For purposes of Step Two, I believe that the last three sentences sum up my task at hand:- That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives
- That probably no human power could have relieved my alcoholism
- Than God could and would if he were sought
Read Pg 335 - Crossing the River of Denial"Denial is the most cunning and powerful part of my disease.."- Denial if the truth and minimizing of facts are certainly toward the top of my significant character defects. Defined as a defense mechanism, denial can distort reality and make me believe thoughts that are absolutely untrue (like I can control my drinking). Combatting denial is a primary reason for my need of a sponsor. He can cut through my crap and state exactly what I need to hear rather than what I may want to hear.
"......But this time I asked with all of my heart for God to help me, and a strange thing happened."- That strange thing was that God helped me. Not really all that strange, given the experiences of others, as well as for myself prior. But once again, this promise came to me once I submitted. On April 30th, I was able to do exactly what I was unable to just 24 hours prior let alone the previous 3 months. Moral of the story - not only do I not need to be in recovery alone, but in fact I cannot truly be in recovery in isolation.
"I understood that it was not the worlds job to understand my disease, rather it was my job to work my program and not drink, no matter what."- Although perhaps not Step Two specific, I just resonated with this statement in the story. It is a reminder of why my active participation and engagement in AA is so crucial for me. My fellowship with others in recovery allows me to feel less 'abnormal' in a world that does not tilt toward the principles of recovery. Those who understand do so without saying a word; those that do not understand will not after 1,000 words.
From my daily reading:
Life is an ongoing experience with two opposing forces. One force is constantly building up, and the other is constantly tearing down. We have successes and accomplishments, and we have failures and defeats. We finally get our house in order, and it immediately begins to become disordered again.
There are forces supporting our self-esteem and forces tearing us down. Friends who wish us well, good will and generosity among people, and the momentum of our healthy actions are constructive forces in our lives. Destructive forces are the pull of old habits, bad luck, accidents, and negative thoughts. We must choose on which side we will put our energies. Are we men who hate ourselves, believe in bad luck and despair, and thereby join the forces that would tear us down? Or will we choose to be on the side that builds us up?
Today, by the grace of God, I will join the forces that are on my side. I will stand up for myself and my worth.
I loved this reading and will remember it today as I allow the positive forces of recovery to continue to lead me back to sanity.
